In each of us there is a little of all of us

George Christopher Lichtenberg

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Live with someone you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as Important as any other.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
7. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
8. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
9. Don't judge people by their relatives.
10. Talk slowly but think quickly.
11. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
12. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
13. Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
14. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
15. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
16. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
17. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
18. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
19. Spend some time alone.

Extract from Anthony Robbins article – for more information visit: Robbins Research International web site.

© 2004 Anthony Robbins

Chuck Spezzano – world renowned relationship counsellor says that in his 30 years experience, the two biggest problems he’s come across are:

1. Self-attack – every negative or painful experience we have experienced at some level is a form of self-attack.
2. We regret poor relationships more than most other things in our life time

Action

• List all the things you attack yourself for and analyse who this attack on yourself is really against and why you have these grievances.
• Remember we have the choice to like or hate – you may as well choose like! We have attitudes about many things and most people want to get on with others. However, we don’t always realise that our attitude underpins the problems we have with others.
• Start by being mature and practice being less judgemental of ourselves and others which will make us happier
• Develop a positive mental attitude and take responsibility for shifting expectations rather than waiting for the other person to do it.
• Cultivate the habit of high self-esteem - listen to your self-talk – occasionally we lapse into negative self talk – mostly it’s unhealthy and detrimental to our belief system. Banish ‘if’, ‘try’ and ‘should’ from your vocabulary (IF is negative TRY is a polite word for saying no and SHOULD relates to someone else’s views)
• Write about your expectations from a relationship
  - What will it bring to your life that is missing?
  - Think about why you want that relationship?

Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out.

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it may need more fertilizer, more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce.

Yet if we have problems with our friends and family we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them they will grow well like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument.

That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument just understanding. If you understand and you show that you understand you can love and the situation will change.

© 2004 Thich Nhat Hahm

This actual letter was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

"Dear Sir:  I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for twenty six years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters; when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no  longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

In due course, I will issue your designated employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

# 1. To make an appointment to see me.
# 2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
       home.
# 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password is
       required. This will be communicated at a later date to the
       Authorized Contact.
# 8. To return to the main menu.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact (your
       choosing) will then be put on hold, pending the attention
       of my automated answering service and uplifting music will
       play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Your Humble Client

(Source – unknown)

Moral of the story --- treat your customers as you would like to be treated!

Working with people is difficult, but not impossible P Drucker

Assertiveness is behaviour that communicates our needs, wants and feelings to others without abusing them.

Definition of assertive behaviour

• Being able to stand up for yourself without getting angry (a skill that can be learnt).
• Asking positively for our needs to be met, understanding they may not be.
• Feeling (and looking) confident, cool, calm and collected.
• Behaving honourably and with dignity even if our needs are not met.
• Staying in control - other people normally treat this type of behaviour with respect.
• Respect the rights of others.

Characteristics of assertive people

• Direct, open, concise communicator (listener)
• Persistent, firm with good negotiation skills
• Consistently relaxed and controlled
• Proactive, co-operative and flexible
• Positive, lively and self aware (including own limitations)
• Goal orientated – delivers what is promised
• Co-operative, democratic and respectful
• Honest and effective at building rapport
• Realises it is permissible to be wrong but learns from mistakes
• Self assured (able to express true feelings) and well groomed
• Welcomes constructive feedback

Self-acceptance is important to appear assertive so don’t communicate from a position of inferiority. If someone’s behaviour shocks you – ignore it. By showing emotion i.e. outrage, you adopt the attitude of a victim. If you allow yourself to be manipulated on an emotional level, you won’t be able to gain the upper hand when confronting difficult people.

Like begets like. We need to understand that we are the common denominator in all communications. Think about how your behaviour alters when dealing with different people – the boss, co-workers, family, best friend, enemy, small child, police officer, elderly person, doctor, sales person and so on.

If we treat people differently, even difficult people, they will respond differently. Difficult people always say they were only responding in kind so it’s a self defeating prophesy where people play the initiator and the victim.

Assertive sentences start with ‘I’ (aggressive sentences start with ‘you’):

• I feel - I would like to - I think – Let’s - I’ve changed my mind…

Assertive body language:

• Upright, relaxed stance, gaze is steady, sense of composure and good eye contact is maintained

Setting boundaries – saying no

People say and hear ‘no’ in different ways. Therefore, we need to set clear, specific, decisive boundaries. Otherwise people will unknowingly overstep boundaries and lose trust, willingness and respect.

The key motivator to saying yes instead of no is fear of rejection. Saying no may be hard because of a lack of self-esteem, guilt, a need to be liked or appearing selfish.

The only way to say no and retain your self-respect and not feel guilty is be assertive.

Learn to say no assertively

1. Ask yourself if the request is reasonable and whether you want to accept or refuse
2. If you need more information to make up your mind, ask first
3. Should you come to the conclusion that you want to say no, do so politely and firmly
4. There is no need to apologise. However, you may choose to give an explanation for your refusal
5. Keep your response simple and to the point – don’t be sidetracked into changing your mind
   Listen assertively; paraphrase your no response back demonstrating empathy offering to come up with alternative solutions if necessary.

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck.

One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream...

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral of the story:

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Blessings to all my crackpot friends. Anon

Charles Plumb was a U.S. Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison.

He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied.

Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers.  I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."

Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" 

Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.

He called on all these supports before reaching safety. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.

As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

Do you work or live with someone who is a complainer or difficult? Use these techniques to avoid being dragged down to their level:

1. Point out to them that they are complaining or in what way they are being difficult (most people will say they are oblivious to the fact).
2. Ask them to become a positive person in your company and lead by example -. stop complaining yourself and others will follow.
3. Find out what is really bothering them and deal with it - a complaint is often a symptom.
4. Listen to the other person and seek to understand (if a client is complaining, remember it is often a buying signal).
5. Let people know that you are a solution orientated person by saying ‘I've heard your complaint, if I’m to help, can we now concentrate on the solutions’
6. Associate with naturally positive people and remember, you cannot change others – only yourself (and some people are happy being miserable anyway).
7. Focus the other person on a positive outcome by saying: ‘If you could have it exactly as you want it, tell me what that would look like’?

Some tips for dealing with difficult situations

• Learn to recognise and accept difference between individuals
• Count to 10 if a break isn’t possible
• Don’t feed hostility with hostility
• Listen actively – empathise rather than sympathise - think win win
• Don’t make snap judgements
• Agree with someone to disorientate them
• Consult a third neutral party for a reaction
• Acknowledge and talk about your emotions – be precise – don’t get personal
• Accept responsibility and apologise for any misunderstanding
• Learn the art of ‘no deal’
• Start with the end in mind
• Keep things in perspective
• Use repetition without any expression of emotion
• Where appropriate, use humour to ease tension and open new lines of communication

Walk a mile in the other person’s shoes

The truth is we all have lengthy conversations with ourselves, possibly more so than with anyone else. You may call it thinking, or being in two minds about something, or just considering your options or having a debate – what ever you call it, it is important to monitor your self talk and make sure that whatever you say to yourself reinforces a positive self image.

Self-talk evolves from your ethnic beliefs, upbringing, life experience, your own sense of worth and your relationships.

There are two main types of self-talk: negative and positive. That’s why we say we can do anything that we set our minds to and if we say we can’t do something we can’t do it – both beliefs are right.

We all have the ability to choose ‘I will’ or ‘I can but choose not to.’, which is more powerful than simply saying ‘I can’t’. Remember, ‘I can’ and ‘I can’t’ are both equally habit forming.

Negative beliefs prevent you reaching your full potential. Positive beliefs assist you in achieving your goals rapidly. However, your subconscious is non judgemental and will simply guide you to fulfil your beliefs, that’s why we say prophecies are self-fulfilling. Therefore, you can control and change your beliefs.

You must learn to control your own self-talk or else it will control you, it is all too easy to lapse into negative self-talk, which will surely lead to a negative mental attitude. The good news is it’s easy to change our beliefs through positive self talk. This happens from the inside out – by programming your subconscious to bring about the desired changes.

Strengthening positive beliefs will crowd out the negatives ones. To achieve this self-talk must be:

• In the present
• Be personal
• Be positive